Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

39

Posted: July 19, 2016 in Health
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Happy Sweet 39 To Me!

Well another year has come and gone. And tonight I sit here, after a wonderful day of celebration, evaluating the past year and contemplating the year to come. As you may or may not know, I battle depression. I was working at a job I greatly enjoyed until the depression began to win: I have spent the past few months healing. One of the effects of depression is the loss of interest in stuff, even in the things you once loved greatly, like reading and blogging. But with time, support, and medication, my interest in life is coming back. I have a lot of book reviews to catch up on, some good and some not so good.

I have great hopes that being 39 is going to be the best yet. I am extremely lucky to have a family that loves, supports and encourages me. 

Learning To Manage

Posted: October 28, 2014 in Health
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It’s not a cut on my finger that needs to be healed, it’s a mental illness.
I am intelligent, so I should know how to control my own self.
But some days the wiring in my brain spins my world out of control.
I want nothing more than to be “normal”, but what does that even mean?
Learning to manage day by day, even minute by minute, means learning myself.

So who am I?
I am patient and forgiving, but not of myself.
I am observant and responsive, but not of myself.
I am caring and kind, but not to myself.
Such is my journey. Learning to manage.

I realize how callused my soul has become after years of fighting to survive; each morning my mind readied for battle. It is so easy to become consumed by stress, disappointments, and obsess over imperfections within myself.

There are few moments in my life when I see the world around me, and everything stops: all the noise and chaos, all the pain and hurt, all the hustle and bustle.

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When these moments find me, I can feel it in my soul. I can feel the noise and chaos fade to nothing, all the pain and hurt being soothed, and the hustle and bustle losing relevance.

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As the grit and grime of everyday life is washed away, it serves to exfoliate the calluses on my soul; softening them, allowing me to feel crisp air flowing into me.

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Filled with the scent of life, I awaken to the magic in each sunrise, and the blessing of each breath.

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Hot Springs, AR

An Anniversary of Sorts

Posted: November 11, 2013 in Health
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About this time a year ago, my whole world collapsed. All the walls I had spent 35 years meticulously building were no longer keeping the pain out, but they were keeping love and acceptance out. I felt alone, hopeless, and helpless. I couldn’t face even one more day. I was broken.

Then I asked for help. I begged for it. I craved it. I realized, through weeks of individual and group therapy, that I mattered. With all my flaws, weaknesses, imperfections, and quirks…I mattered. I matter.

I survived. And I am thriving. Every day I wake up excited to see my family and smell the morning air, eager to go to work and face a new challenge.

I haven’t made it this far with duct tape and paperclips. I have had amazing support system, both pushing me to grow and comforting me while I heal.

It was both a difficult and enlightening year; I learned about life and living in this scary, crazy, unpredictable, imperfect world.

The Weekend

Posted: October 27, 2013 in Health
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Have you ever found a spot in this world that helped you heal?
Have you ever found that spot 10 miles from your own home?

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Time slowed the moment I entered the doors. A minute in the secret place must have been hours in the real world. The peace within this world calmed the chaos of my mind. Hours of indulgent luxury served as balm for my bruised soul.

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Safe in the secret-cloud words of authentic truth are shared; finally to feel exposed yet unafraid. A voice I never knew grows strong when powered by vulnerability.

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I slowly stand; my feet firm my back straight. The ground solid and footing sure. I am enough

I’m imperfect & I’m enough.

So, it’s a lovely Saturday morning and I am back in my cozy Barnes and Noble chair, reading and weighing myself against the universe; this chair pulled up close against the wide window, the clear view of open Texas sky, the soft music playing at the edge of my consciousness, and my thoughts. Surrounded by thousands of books, I let myself go anywhere that calls to me.

Sitting here in this chair, surrounded by thousands of fictional friends, I feel strong. I feel that any decisions I make from this throne will be followed through, without question and without exception. But I will eventually have to leave my throne, I will become common once again. I fear the loss of the control I gain in my temporary world; as soon as I leave this world and step outside, noise rushes in. The noise of traffic and airplanes and the buzz of millions of voices; the decisions and the checkout lines; the the responsibility that comes with existing in the outside world.

I will miss my Saturday Morning World when I leave, but go home to a true life, a wife that loves and protects me, a son that makes me proud.

When the Bottom Drops Out

Posted: August 18, 2013 in Health
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You’re going along day by day; you wake up, live your life, experience the highs and lows, laugh and talk, and you go to bed. The alarm goes off and you do it all again.

Living with mental illness often feel like you are living on the seat of a dunk tank. Every moment that passes you by is a softball thrown at the target, and any one of them could hit the mark and BAM the bottom falls out and you are drowning. You don’t even know which ball it was that hit the mark, and it doesn’t really matter. The fact is you are trying to surface, fighting to get your head above water so you can breathe.

Labels don’t matter; depression, bi-polar, schizophrenia. What matters is what you do when the bottom falls out, because at some point it WILL fall out. Do you have someone there, someone ready to pull you to the surface, and willing to get wet in the process? Do you have a goal to climb out and dry off?

Life keeps going, and softballs keep getting launched. Some days it is easier to climb back onto the seat than others. But for me, there is too much awesomeness in this world to give up.