Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

So, it’s a lovely Saturday morning and I am back in my cozy Barnes and Noble chair, reading and weighing myself against the universe; this chair pulled up close against the wide window, the clear view of open Texas sky, the soft music playing at the edge of my consciousness, and my thoughts. Surrounded by thousands of books, I let myself go anywhere that calls to me.

Sitting here in this chair, surrounded by thousands of fictional friends, I feel strong. I feel that any decisions I make from this throne will be followed through, without question and without exception. But I will eventually have to leave my throne, I will become common once again. I fear the loss of the control I gain in my temporary world; as soon as I leave this world and step outside, noise rushes in. The noise of traffic and airplanes and the buzz of millions of voices; the decisions and the checkout lines; the the responsibility that comes with existing in the outside world.

I will miss my Saturday Morning World when I leave, but go home to a true life, a wife that loves and protects me, a son that makes me proud.


When the Bottom Drops Out

Posted: August 18, 2013 in Health
Tags: ,

You’re going along day by day; you wake up, live your life, experience the highs and lows, laugh and talk, and you go to bed. The alarm goes off and you do it all again.

Living with mental illness often feel like you are living on the seat of a dunk tank. Every moment that passes you by is a softball thrown at the target, and any one of them could hit the mark and BAM the bottom falls out and you are drowning. You don’t even know which ball it was that hit the mark, and it doesn’t really matter. The fact is you are trying to surface, fighting to get your head above water so you can breathe.

Labels don’t matter; depression, bi-polar, schizophrenia. What matters is what you do when the bottom falls out, because at some point it WILL fall out. Do you have someone there, someone ready to pull you to the surface, and willing to get wet in the process? Do you have a goal to climb out and dry off?

Life keeps going, and softballs keep getting launched. Some days it is easier to climb back onto the seat than others. But for me, there is too much awesomeness in this world to give up.

The world is indeed full of peril
And in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair.
And though in all the lands,
Love is now mingled with grief,
It still grows, perhaps, the greater.
J.R.R. Tolkien

Every morning I wake to face a brand new day. With depression and chronic heart failure, some days are dark and full of peril. But through it all, there is much that is good.

Today is August 1st, the beginning of a new month; and what better day than today to commit. With all that is going on outside of my control, there is much that I can take control of. One area that I have lost control is my weight, and I am regaining control.

It is no longer enough to simply survive. It is my time to thrive.